All I Want for Christmas…

I know this may sound a little whiny and cheesy, but what goes better with wine than cheese? See, I’m already starting off on the wrong foot! Ok, let’s just get into it.

Christmas is one of my favorite times of year. I think part of it is the fact that my birthday is two days before Christmas, so as any December baby knows, it’s hard to wait all year to celebrate something. Many times we don’t even get birthday parties because of the time of year that it is.

That’s all just a small part of the story. I can tell you that in the past I went half a day with no one remembering my birthday. It comes with the busy Christmas territory I guess. But this year I find myself wanting something more than ever.

For my birthday, for Christmas, for every day, all I want is to be able to be open about who I am. I know some of you reading this may think, “what’s the problem just be real, come out, just do it.” And in words it is that easy. But in action it isn’t

I am in a position that many of us in the community find ourselves in. I lied so long and coming out now is going to hurt a lot of people. My daughter may not want to speak to me again. I don’t want my ex to feel even worse than she did after the divorce. I don’t want to disappoint anyone and yes typing that out I know how silly it sounds. I’m worried about everyone else’s happiness at the expense of my own. And sadly that’s what I’ve had put into myself for 40 years. I’ve placed that expectation on myself.

But all I want is to be able to bring my partner home for Christmas and introduce him as my partner and not my friend. I want to be able to hold his hand and snuggle up to him on the couch in front of my family. I want to walk down the street holding his hand. I want to be a normal couple.

But it seems impossible for me to have that here in my hometown. We are free to be open in his hometown because most of our friends and family there know about us and fully support us and its amazing. I want that here too. Don’t get me wrong, my mom and my family have all met him and they love him. So I know that part is under control, but what will they do when they find out for sure that he is my partner?

I don’t know what the future holds and I don’t want to continue this lie anymore. I want to be free. I want to be open. I don’t expect sympathy because I know this is all in my hands, but I wanted to put it out there into the universe just in case Santa sees it and wants to bring me this one gift.