Finding My Gay Identity

The last few days I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my identity. My mom recently told me that I have changed, she doesn’t know me anymore. I told her that I am who I have always been. For her it doesn’t make sense. Why? Because I had hidden most of myself away for most of my life.

I told my partner one day that I feel more like the person I was when I was a teenager, and that was the last time I really felt like myself. My authentic self.

For years, starting at age 20, I put a large part of myself away from the world. I thought being married would change me, I thought it would somehow make me straight. Through, what I believe to be a large push from the church to get married, and even more of a push to “not go to hell” I made that jump into marriage. I did my best to make it work and it did for over 20 years.

The only problem is that it wasn’t a marriage. It was a sham. We played the part really well, and even my ex believed it and I think still believes it. Though I don’t know how. We had almost no intimacy at all. I went most of my life with no hand holding, no cuddles, no one laying on me watching a movie together, no one telling me I was good looking, no one making me feel wanted. Though I tried with everything inside of me to make her feel loved and beautiful. It was never returned beyond the peck on the lips at bed time or when I was leaving out the door.

Everyone thought we had a perfect marriage. In reality we were no more than roommates. Don’t get me wrong, I loved her, but not in the way you love a partner. It was more like a family love. I finally had to get out. And to this day I’ve still not been completely honest with everyone about why. I fear hurting people even more. I hate it when people are hurting and it hurts me to know I am the one who hurt them.

But getting out of the marriage freed me. I begin to breathe again. I felt like I could be me again. And as funny as it sounds I feel like a child. I’m just coming into my gay identity, even after 3 years. I’m still deconstructing a lot of my beliefs. I’m relearning myself. I’m looking forward to experiencing the world as a gay man.

One of the first experiences I had was at an event at the San Diego Public Library. There was a panel of people who were all LQBTQIA+ and they were speaking about their books. I felt so weird and at home sitting there in the audience. Afterward I spoke to several of them and shared my story and how being at this event was a coming out in many ways for me and how they made me feel at home without even knowing it.

Since then I’ve experienced several other things that have made it all feel real to me. But there are many, many more things I want to experience. I have the curiosity of a child and it won’t be quenched until I learn everything about me and about my people that I can. This is my tribe. These are my brothers and sisters. This is my family. I’m thankful for each and every one of you. Even if we don’t know each other. I’m thankful for you and for your experience.

I know, maybe it sounds super cheesy. But I think I am a little cheesy and sappy. It’s ok, that’s just a part of who I am. I’m learning to love every part of me. So, yes mom, I’m different. But it’s only because you now can see the full picture, or at least you’re beginning to.