My Gay Journey Continues
I’ve just read back through the other writings that I published here. First, the last thing I wrote was November 2021! Yikes! But I could see my journey so clearly.
Let me explain. I wrote about finding my gay identity and being in the closet struggling. The coming out process is different for all of us. In most cases, it’s a never-ending process because you seem to always have to come out to new people all the time.
I told you before that my partner and I are mostly out to our friends and his family. I say mostly out because we never really said anything to most of them, we just lived our lives in front of them with no questions asked.
It was funny because one day my partner’s niece told us, “you guys thought you were hiding something, but we all knew.”
The beauty of it is, I’m sure all of the people in our life there know, but no one feels the need to question us. It’s amazing. I know that most of the people in my life in my hometown wouldn’t be so understanding.
In my life, I’ve come out to two people. One of them was an old girlfriend from high school. It’s funny when I think back on those high school days. Most of my girlfriends lasted a couple of weeks. I know it's because I never acted as a boyfriend would act. It was super awkward for me at least.
This girl though remained my friend through the years, even after I moved away and we didn’t talk for long periods of time. One night I was talking to her online and just came out to her. She was super happy for me. It basically started with me asking if people ever said things about me being gay, and how I knew some people were talking about me after my divorce.
She didn’t know of anyone ever saying anything but she was so understanding and made me feel so normal. Then this past week I came out to my best friend from when I was a teenager. I had told him before that in school people teased me about being gay and he said he never heard it and if he had he would have beat them up. I mentioned that last week when I talked to him. I asked him, “But what if they were right?”
He said, you know what I believe about that, but I also know that I’m not anyone’s judge and I’d still fight anyone who talks bad about you. And from him, I felt like that was the reply I needed. It’s funny to me how I expect different replies from different people.
I’m closer now than I ever have been to just being completely out to everyone in my life. I’m still not out to my mom, my daughter, or my ex. You might wonder why I’m worried about my ex knowing. It’s because I believe she deserves to know a huge part of the reason our marriage didn’t work. We are also still friends!
I know that my mom knows, there is no way she couldn’t. I come home here to my hometown for a few months out of the year and when I do my partner comes to visit for a couple of weeks also. She loves him and treats him like her son and even calls him son. However, she has made the remark to me a couple of times that being gay sends you to hell. It was while we were watching something on TV and they were talking about being gay. She said it twice and looked at me when she said it.
I think my daughter suspects but she doesn’t question me about it. So, I am just waiting on my own timing. I will know when it’s right like I have in the other times I shared the news.
I do want to share one thing before I leave this story. Last June I was a part of my first-ever Pride event! I taught a fiber arts workshop, I was a book in a human library and shared my story with all who would sit and listen. And I had an amazing time! I was in the parade that had over 10,000 people! I even had an amazing time at an after-party with all of my friends. If there was any advice I had for other community members it would be, just go at your own pace. Tell who you want to tell when you want to tell them. Enjoy the beauty of the world around you and just live your life.