Struggles in the Closet

Where do I start? I’m not even sure. Honestly, this feels weird. I’m not even using my real name. That’s where I’ll start. I can’t use my real name. I mean I could, but I’m not ready.

You see, I’m a gay man. I’ve called myself bi to try and make it easier for me to handle. Maybe I am bi in a way, I’m not even sure of that. Oh, and by the way, I’m in my mid-40s and divorced from a woman to who I was married for over 20 years.

No, she doesn’t know. Neither do my kids or my parents. Do I think people suspect? Yeah, I’m sure they do. I have had my mom ask me if I was gay. I know people talk about it. When I was in high school in the early 90s I was accused of it. But no one in my life knows for sure.

Now, the interesting part is I have a boyfriend. Most of the people in his life know about him and us. We have some friends that know, but there are even people in his life that don’t know about him or us.

Why you may ask? This is 2021 no one cares, and that may be for some people. But for myself, I was raised very religious. My boyfriend was raised very religious too. For both of us, that part of our lives is VERY important and we still consider ourselves believers. We want to be a part of that community, but being ourselves would end that for us.

Because of my religious beliefs I don’t fit into the gay community either. I feel like they don’t understand me. I get crap from people in the community for not coming out. But what I don’t understand is why? Why do I HAVE to do things the way someone else wants me to. Why do I need to follow a set of made-up rules?

My whole life I feel like I’ve had to push against the rules. Not that I want to be rebellious, but someone is always wanting me to do things a certain way. When I was a bigger part of the Christian community I was told I had to be a certain way. I was told that no one wanted to talk to me because I was “unapproachable” and it has left me feeling not good enough.

Who am I good enough for? Who will accept me as I am with all my ugly and all my scars? I’ve yet to find an answer to that. I know God will and does. But who on earth?

I have to pretend even with my boyfriend and his friends. They are all very liberal and I have nothing against people who are liberal but I’m not. Yeah, I’m more conservative, but I feel like I’m kind of in the middle. I don’t fit in anywhere. So again, I don’t fit into the larger LGBTQ+ community.

I’m tired. I’m tired of trying to fit all the molds. I’m tired of being made to feel like I’m letting the community down because I’m not out. I’m tired of feeling like even in a community that says they hate labels I’m still labeled.

I’m so tired of hearing about inclusion and feeling more alienated than ever. Maybe this post is nothing more than me whining, but I have to believe there are others out there like me.

Maybe I’m the only one. Who knows. But I’m tired of struggling in the closet. I want to be here. I’m not ready to come out and I feel like I’m being forced out by a community that judges me more than any other community I’ve ever been a part of.