Tales of a GenX Gay Man: Awkward Crushes
Until now I’ve talked about topics that could be considered heavier and I wanted to lighten it up a little.
I’ve been looking back on my childhood and teenage years a lot lately. I keep trying to see all the signs that pointed to me being gay. There are a few that come to mind. One of which revolved around the soap opera “Another World”. I grew up obsessed with “Days of Our Lives” and “Another World” and later “Santa Barbara”. When I was around 12 I came up with an idea. I wanted to be on “Another World” and so I wrote to the show. Or so I thought. All I knew is that the show took place in Bay City. I searched the map for a Bay City and found one in Michigan. So I addressed it to Another World, Bay City, Michigan. I wrote a whole story about how they could write me into the show and I never heard back from them. Surprise!
But that’s neither here nor there I guess when it comes to awkward crushes, although I did have some crushes on the guys in those soaps.
The year I started 8th grade I had a male teacher. He had been teaching a younger grade and they were scared of him. He was a bit of a macho man and came across as a former bully and I hated bullies. However, this man was nice and fit and wore tight jeans and tucked his shirts in and I caught myself many times checking him out.
It was such a love hate thing with him. He and I didn’t always get along and one day in class he picked on me. So I gave it back to him. I was a smartass. That set him off and he pounded my desk and yelled at me. I had no problem telling my mom when I got home and she went to the school about it.
We had a boys only reading class because the boys had PE at one time and the girls at another and while one class was in PE the other was in reading. During one of those reading classes he said we could watch a movie. Then he made the remark that we could watch porn if someone wouldn’t tell on him. I said out loud, “that’s right I would”.
Another day in that class a couple guys started arguing. They were friends and one said, yeah and my dick is bigger than yours! The other one said yeah right and then the teacher said only one way to settle this and he said someone will have to watch the door to make sure no one comes in. Nothing happened the boys backed down and sat down.
I seriously hated the man most of the time, but I was so attracted to him and it made me mad that I was!
He also had a teacher’s aid and he was a senior. Let me tell you when that guy walked in I melted. I was a puddle of hormones. He too wore tight jeans and tucked in shirts that he had opened down his chest to reveal his amazing chest hair. If you had to classify him he was an otter, and he was smokin’ hot. I always wondered why people called me gay in school and I can only imagine it was because they saw me staring at that guy all the time!
Now, let’s get to the really awkward stuff! As I’ve stated I was raised very religious and I knew what my religion/denomination said about being gay. But I read my bible and came across the story of David and Jonathan. It was pretty intense. I had a good friend and I had a little crush on him. He too was Christian and I wrote him a letter one day. I only had the courage to give it to him because we were moving. In that letter I told him how I thought of us as David and Jonathan. I didn’t come out and ask him out of course, but I bared my soul to him in a way I never had to anyone.
He wrote back and kind of played it off. Fun fact, in later years he mentioned that letter and said he felt the same. So, that was a few of my awkward experiences. And if you’re wondering, that teacher was not at our school anymore the next year. On the last day, he squeezed my shoulder as a macho man does to some younger guy and said a few nice words. I couldn’t help but think about that moment later that night. If you know you know…
Since then I navigated my life in a way that was straight on the outside. I felt I had to. I was living according to religious rules that told me I was a bad person and that I couldn’t be who I was. So I prayed every night to be different. And while I didn’t do conversion therapy I may as well have, because I experienced the same things. I lived that way until I was in my early 40s. Then I finally had the courage to start changing things.
We’ll talk more about that in other posts. Until then. I hope you had a great Halloween and that you are getting ready for a wonderful Holiday season!