Tales of a GenX Gay Man: How Did I Know?

Let’s start from the beginning, shall we? I was born in ’75 or as the youngsters are saying, the late 1900’s. There was no email when I was in high school. No cell phones, or should I say widely used cell phones. Stay with me, this is important.

I always felt like an awkward kid. I never really fit in anywhere to be honest. But I knew I wasn’t like the other guys. I wasn’t into sports and I was no good at them. I had some friends growing up that I rode bikes with and we played with our He-Man and G.I. Joe action figures. But when it came to playing sports with them, I was out.

I think one of my earliest memories of anything remotely sexual was when I saw a book in my mom’s boyfriend’s library. I didn’t understand it, but I do remember being aroused. I was probably 10. After that, I was at my uncle’s house and he had some magazines of some sort in the garbage that had fallen out and I saw what I think were toys if I remember correctly. However, I didn’t know those things existed, but there were definitely naked men and women. I was aroused again. I was also probably around 10 at that time too.

In school, I had a huge fear of showering with the other guys and that was a requirement starting in 5th grade. My mom wrote a letter to let me go in before the others and shower. I was still in the changing room though and I was made fun of. I had a best friend and he and I would bathe together at his house. I remember that in probably 4th or 5th grade prancing around naked in the bathroom with him. I enjoyed it.

I still had no feelings of anything toward either sex really. Though, I had chased a girl to kiss her on the cheek in the first grade. As I grew older, I found myself wondering what a penis should look like. How big do they get? Then I started reading anything I could about it. But all I really had was encyclopedias.

Then I don’t know when it happened but I started enjoying the men’s underwear aisle in the store. I looked at magazine racks to see the fitness magazines and all the guys there. I even looked at the JCPenney and Sears catalogs to see guys in their underwear. And yes, once I found out about masturbation, those things were my outlet.

When I started getting an allowance, I began to buy International Male, which was a catalog for men’s clothing, but I used it as my porn. I had to hide it and if anyone saw me buying it, I would have been branded for life as gay. And even then I still didn’t realize I was gay. I tried to date girls. I was always too scared to kiss them and I had one girlfriend who told everyone we had not even kissed yet and then I began to be called gay for the first time. Or I should say I was called the “F” word. The three-letter one.

When that happened I began to wonder, but just fell in line with trying to make sure I hid anything that made me look gay. I had some guys knock me down outside the school and begin to pull my legs apart and call me the “F” word. Something came over me and I knocked them off of me and jumped up, angry. What had I done to deserve this?

For a while, no one messed with me. Then, one day, a boy in gym class got my attention and asked me to go to the locker room with him, he wanted to show me something. I was afraid of being beaten up so I declined. He showed me a glimpse of his tiger print underwear and tried to entice me, but I was not going. This guy was a huge bully and I was not for a moment going to trust him. I just ignored him. But to this day I wonder what would have happened.

I was about 15 and I had a cousin staying the night with me and he was 14 and we were talking about girls and sex and we were aroused and we had compared size before and often showed our boners to be funny. But this one night we were talking and both of us had been touching ourselves in the dark and then I said wanna see what its like to touch another one like that? So we did, and I finished. Then I ran to my bedroom to pray most of the night. I think that was when it hit me that I may be gay. At that time, I was sure I was going to hell. I was devastated. That is when my journey began. As I grew older I tried to find information but it was super hard to do.

Remember, I said there was no internet and no cellphones. The year after I graduated internet really started taking off. But it would be a couple of more years before it was accessible to me. By that time I was being led into marriage by the women of the church and I thought it would fix me.

After I was married at age 20, I spent the next 22 years struggling with gay porn and chatting with men online. I didn’t see it as cheating because many of these men were in the same boat I was in. They weren’t getting sex at home and they needed an outlet and we all felt it was better to get off with a guy online than to go out and have an affair.

At least that was what we told ourselves. So, now I’m divorced, in the closet, and as I said in my first post, trying to find my place. I’ve been in therapy and I’m trying to find the strength and courage to come out. But, until then, I’ll be comfortable here, knowing that I am growing and learning and forgiving.

I still don’t fit in, in most crowds. Even in the LGBTQIA+ community. I don’t fit the molds, but we’ll save that for another day.